


Instead I look at the sky and I feel nothing, you know I hate to be alone

by OhDarn116



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Girls Kissing, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, POV Shelby Goodkind, Post-Canon, Soft Toni Shalifoe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-22 14:13:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30039915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OhDarn116/pseuds/OhDarn116
Summary: 'Shelby cries and pulls on the blonde curls of her hair, which had been steadily growing out for months. When she can’t take it anymore, she finds a pair of safety scissors from her dresser drawer and begins cutting large chunks of it, watching it fall to the ground through blurry vision.'orAfter being trapped in Texas for a year, Shelby finally breaks free.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 4
Kudos: 143





	Instead I look at the sky and I feel nothing, you know I hate to be alone

One year. 12 months. 365 days. That’s how long it’s been since the bunker. How long it’s been since Shelby has seen any of the other girls she’s come to call her family. 

Her father hadn’t even pretended to be glad to see her when she finally returned back to the suburbs of Texas. After a very public trial, one that ended with the inevitable arrest of Gretchen Klein and several of her accomplices, most of what happened on the island became common knowledge to anyone keeping up with the situation- which just happened to be a majority of the United States population, who were enraptured by the experiment, willing to do whatever it took to get the slightest bit of info about what had happened to the eight girls. 

There were interviews, of course, and podcasts and even a documentary series put in the works once the whole thing was done and over with, all of which Shelby had been forced to skip out on. While the rest of them were out, living the rest of their lives, spending the endless amount of cash given to them after the trial, Shelby’s father kept a firm grip on her, not allowing so much as a visit from the other girls. 

At first, she was grateful for it. Grateful for the fact that she was out of the spotlight, that she no longer needed to spend more of her time reliving a life's worth of trauma all for the entertainment of others. 

As the months dragged on though, being isolated became more of a hell on earth than the island ever could have been. 

Andrew didn’t so much as look at her when she arrived back at school senior year, no doubt humiliated by the very public information about the kind of person she really is. Her peers, and others who she’d considered ‘friends’ at one point in her life, seem to avoid her as well, only offering pitying glances or curious stares. 

Rumors about her spread like wildfire throughout the school- eventually making it to her church. When her father gets an ear of it, he removes her from school immediately, transferring her into an online program for the remainder of the year. 

He tells her that it’s only to keep her safe, but she knows in her heart it’s merely to protect his reputation. 

With no school to go to, and no friends to stand by her side, Shelby spends a majority of her time locked up in her room. 

It doesn’t feel like it’s hers anymore, more like it belongs to an old ghost of a person who no longer exists, which, she supposes is true in some way.

She scrolls through her phone most nights into the early morning. It’s the only connection left she has to the rest of the Unsinkable Eight. Fatins instagram has blown up to nearly one million followers (the rest of the girls accounts have grown quite exponentially as well, but not as much as hers), and Shelby watches as she takes the most advantage of her situation, taking the opportunity to use what happened to her and make it a sort of brand for herself. Fatin does love the influencer lifestyle after all. 

Leah’s doing well for herself too, Shelby knows. After exposing not only Klein and her team, but also the man who took advantage of her two years prior, she took up writing, her first, highly anticipated, book (an autobiography from what Shelby hears) being set to release by the end of the year. 

The Reid sisters stay relatively out of the media. After everything that happened- both had decided it best if they stay out of the public eye, mostly in an effort to protect Nora from being further scrutinized for her involvement in the experiment. 

Dot almost never uses any of her social media accounts, but through word of mouth and the group chat Fatin made for them all, Shelby learns she’s planning on moving in with Fatin and Leah after graduation. Even though her father doesn’t allow visits, Dot calls her frequently, always checking in on how she’s doing, always assuring her how, in just a few months, she’ll be free of this hell hole. 

Sometimes it’s hard to believe her.

Martha and Toni are as close as ever, both posting relatively often on Instagram (though Shelby is pretty sure most of the posts Toni makes are because Martha had told her to).

Shelby spends more time than she’s willing to admit looking through Toni’s page. She knows it’s probably creepy, looking at photos of a girl she hasn’t seen in a full year, liking posts dating as far back as 2016. It comforts her, in a strange and twisted way, to know Toni is free and safe, even if Shelby herself is more trapped than she’s ever been in her life. 

They talk on the phone every once in a while, when her parents are out of town, or when it’s so late in the night Shelby is sure she and Toni on the other line are the only two souls in the whole world who are awake. 

Their conversations are never very long, nor are they ever about anything important, but Shelby doesn’t care, because hearing Toni’s breath against her ear is enough to carry her through until she can finally see her again. 

With most of her life being linked to her phone, Shelby makes no effort in speaking to either of her parents. And though she’s still kind to her siblings, she senses the shift in their demeanor towards her, as if they're worried she’ll crack at any moment.

When Shelby skips dinner for the third day in a row, her father orders her to come down and eat with the rest of the family. 

Shelby doesn’t look up at him, staring instead at her own tired face reflecting in the black screen of her phone. 

“Did you hear me Shelby?” David asks, his voice hard, “Look at me when I’m speaking to you!”

She meets his eyes, “Get out of my room.”

He has the audacity to look taken aback for a split second, before reaching down and dragging her from the bed, screaming at her about why she can’t be the least bit cooperative, about why she isn’t even trying anymore, about why she can’t just be fucking normal like the way God intended. 

Shelby spits in his face. David slaps her clean across her cheek, the golden band of his wedding ring drawing blood from the raw flesh. 

He yanks the phone out of her hand, telling her she can have it back when she learns to be an obedient daughter. 

Shelby lunges towards him, punching his chest, pleading for him to give it back until her voice cracks and tears begin streaming down her face. 

David leaves her room, taking her last connection to the only people in the world who actually care about her with him, not giving her so much as a second glance. 

Shelby cries and pulls on the blonde curls of her hair, which had been steadily growing out for months. When she can’t take it anymore, she finds a pair of safety scissors from her dresser drawer and begins cutting large chunks of it, watching it fall to the ground through blurry vision. 

It’s days before Shelby leaves her room again. She hasn’t taken a shower in over a week, and other than her mother occasionally bringing her lunch or dinner, she hasn’t eaten much either. 

She can hear her mother and father fighting downstairs almost every night when they think their children are fast asleep. Shelby can’t quite hear their words, but she knows it's about her. Some nights it gets so bad that she actually wonders if her parents might get a divorce. 

A month passes until one morning, Jobeth greets Shelby with a small, if not warm, smile, handing her the phone. 

Shelby takes it gingerly, gratefully. She knows her friends must be worried to death about why she hasn’t been answering their messages (at least she hopes they are), but she’ll have to worry about it later, not wanting her mother to know just how often she actually speaks to the others. 

“Did he search it?” Shelby asks quietly, meeting her mothers gaze. 

Jobeth shakes her head slightly, “I convinced him it wasn’t worth it.”

Shelby snorts bitterly, “Yeah well, it’s not like I have many secrets either… Not anymore.”

Her mother frowns, expression softening, “He just wants what's best for you Shelb, you know that.”

She clenches her jaw, gripping her phone hard, “Do you really still believe that?” Her mother pauses, “If he really cared about me at all he’d let me see them.”

“Honey he’s just scared that-”

“Just scared that what?” Shelby exclaims, “That I’ll be sad and alone forever? Cuz it sure does seem like he’s doin’ everything in his might to make me feel like I will!”

Jobeth lowers her head, eyes fixed on her hands. Neither speak for a long while, the air heavy.

“I’m leaving this place as soon as I turn eighteen.” Shelby admits. challenging her mother to protest. Her birthdays only a few weeks away.

Instead, she only nods, “Will you live with her?”

It takes a moment for Shelby to understand who she’s talking about. “I dunno.” She shifts uncomfortably on the bed, “Maybe. We haven’t really talked about it.”

It isn’t exactly true, they have. On the island she and Toni would often lay awake longer than the others, whispering sweet nothings about their far off plans for the future. It seems like a lifetime ago now, and sometimes Shelby can’t help but wonder if Toni had really meant it when she’d told her they could move in with each other once they got rescued. 

“Do you love her?” Her mother asks gently. 

Shelby feels herself reaching for her necklace, digging her fingernails into the palm of her hand when she realizes it is no longer hanging around her neck like a noose. 

“I do.” She whispers, not trusting herself to speak any louder. 

Jobeth takes in her daughter, eyebrows knitted together tightly. 

“Me and your father are splitting up.” She says. 

Shelby says nothing, simply nodding in recognition. 

Another stretch of silence passes before Jobeth reaches out carefully, running a hand through Shelby’s uneven haircut. 

“Well,” she speaks, “if you’re really planning on flying out to Minnesota, I don’t want you on your own looking like a ragamuffin.”

Shelby offers her a small smile. 

She lets her mother cut her hair that night. It isn’t perfect, but at least it no longer looks like she got in a fight with an angry toddler. 

A part of her still hates her mother- for being so submissive, for allowing David to let out all his rage on his daughter simply because she wasn’t picture perfect, for not getting out sooner. 

Still, it’s her own mother, and when she offers Shelby a hug before turning in for the night, you can’t exactly blame her for breaking down in her arms. 

When Shelby explains to her friends why she’s been MIA, they all immediately jump into a fervor, Fatin so much as swearing to personally hit Dave Goodkind with her private jet. 

After the chaos in the ‘Unsinkable Hoes’ group chat dies down, Shelby gets a notification from Toni.

[Toni <3- hey, u know i was serious about u coming up here to live, right?]

Shelby hovers her thumbs over the keyboard for a second, unsure how to respond. 

[Shelby- If this is about what happened w my dad it’s really no big deal]

[Toni <3- its not just that]

[Toni <3- i mean, it is]

[Toni <3- but also itd be so sick if u came and lived up here. marty would have an actual orgasm over it]

[Shelby- Ew, Toni, that's totally gross]

[Toni <3- lol, fr tho]

[Toni <3- plus]

[Toni <3- idk, i guess i miss u and stuff]

[Toni <3- a lot actually lol]

[Toni <3- sorry that sounds creepy]

[Shelby- I miss you too]

Three dots pop up and down for a few seconds as Toni types something, before disappearing. Shelby waits a few minutes, but no message comes, as if Toni herself isn’t quite sure what to say. 

[Shelby- I turn 18 in two weeks]

[Shelby- I’ll have full access to my bank account]

[Toni <3- shit, r u serious?]

[Shelby- Yes. I could be in Minnesota by the beginning of next month.]

[Toni <3- r u sure?]

She takes a deep breath.

[Shelby- You should know the answer to that one by now]

***

Two weeks has never felt so long. 

In the days leading up to Shelby’s flight to Minnesota, she begins packing up all of her belongings she plans on taking with her- which admittedly is not very much. 

Her suitcase consists of a few pairs of clothes, basic hygiene necessities like her toothbrush, and a framed photo of her and Becca from their sophomore trip to Disneyland. 

Shelby’s father doesn’t speak to her the day she’s set to leave, but by now she’s too exhausted to even care. 

Jobeth and her siblings share a tearful goodbye with her at the airport, and before she knows it, Shelby’s boarding her plane to Minneapolis. 

The flight is long and agonizing. Shelby knew there’d be some anxiety about boarding a plane again, but she hadn’t expected it to be so severe. 

Halfway through the flight, there’s a slight turbulence, nothing to worry about really, but it’s enough to make Shelby grip tightly to the stranger next to her, awarding her several odd glances from the passengers around her. 

When the plane finally lands, Shelby is the first to get off, practically sprinting towards the exit, out of breath and drenched in a thin layer of sweat. 

It takes a couple minutes for Shelby’s anxiety to shift into a worried excitement. Now that she’s actually here, the reality of what she’s doing has begun to set in. 

[Shelby- Just landed, are you here?]

Almost immediately Toni responds,

[Toni <3- at baggage claim]

Shelby slides her phone into the back pocket of her sweat pants. The airport is crowded, and for a moment Shelby is quite sure she’s actually lost.

Eventually though, she sees the bright neon lights reading ‘BAGGAGE RECLAIM.’

Instead of looking for her suitcase, Shelby scans the area for any sign of the feisty basketball player she’s come to hold so dear to her heart. 

When she sees Toni standing there, brown eyes searching the name tags of each suitcase, the only thing Shelby can do is stand and stare. 

She hasn’t changed a bit since the last time Shelby saw her, and yet it’s almost unrecognizable- the relaxed demeanor, the oversized jacket, the waves of curly brown hair falling down her back. 

She watches as Toni grabs Shelby’s bag from the conveyor belt, smiling down softly at the loopy letters of her handwriting. 

It’s then that Toni looks up at her, finally noticing her for the first time. Shelby almost falls to her knees at the sudden wave of emotions that cloud her brain when their eyes meet. 

Toni’s whole body stiffens, her mouth falling open slightly. The simple action causes a flurry of butterflies to form in Shelby’s stomach. 

In the same moment Toni drops the suitcase, Shelby rushes towards her, unable to hold herself back any longer. 

The force of their hug is enough to knock the wind from Shelby’s lungs, but somehow she can’t find it in her to care. Toni grips her tightly, like her life depends on it, and she can feel the other girls racing heart beat against her own. 

They stand there for what feels like forever, embracing each other, and Shelby isn’t sure when but at some point they’ve both started crying. 

Toni smells like a mix of leather and the cool scent of men's shampoo. Shelby’s certain it’s her favorite smell in the world. 

“I fucking missed you so much.” Toni chokes out. 

Shelby pulls back just enough to rest her forehead on Toni’s own, “Lord, I missed you too, Toni.”

Toni laughs wetly, bringing her hands to rest on the sides of Shelby’s face. She traces the curves of her ears before brushing her fingers against the fluffy baby hairs framing Shelby’s forehead. 

“You cut your hair again?” Toni asks.

Shelby flushes, pulling away fully this time. “I know it’s different. I was going to grow it out but…” She trails off, not really wanting to go into full detail just yet. 

Sensing Shelby’s discomfort, Toni straightens and clarifies quickly, “No no, I like it.”

“Y-you do?” Shelby asks.

“Yeah, it’s uh,” Toni swallows, a blush of her own forming on her tan face, “it’s actually pretty fucking hot.”

Shelby lets out a sharp giggle, pulling Toni in once more so her head rests against her chest. 

“I’m never leavin’ you again.” She tells her, nuzzling into the crook of her neck, “You’re stuck with me forever whether you like it or not.”

Toni chuckles, and by the way her voice shakes Shelby can tell she’s trying not to tear up again, “I wouldn’t have it any other way, Texas.”

Shelby grins down at her, only to be met by such a fond smile that she thinks she could fall in love all over again. She brushes a strand of hair from Toni’s face, watching as her eyelids flutter. When Toni’s eyes flick down to Shelby’s mouth, it’s all the confirmation she needs to lean down and plant a soft kiss on her lips. 

She shivers, the effect of Toni’s lips on her own similar to that of a crackle of electricity. Toni hesitates only for a split second before she wraps her arms around Shelby’s neck and kisses her back hard. 

In the very back of her mind Shelby is aware of how public their show of affection is, how there’s no doubt multiple onlookers staring at them. Hell, let them look, Shelby thinks- because Toni’s lips are soft and she missed her so freaking much and the possibility of strangers watching them is nothing new at all. 

Her chest aches from the sudden rush of emotion, and the only way Shelby knows how to cure it is bring herself even closer to Toni, until their bodies are flush together. 

Toni breaks away not long after, a wide grin on her face. Shelby tries not to whine when she presses a chaste kiss to her lips.

“I don’t know about you,” Toni teases, “but I’m pretty sure the baggage claim isn’t the best spot for a make out session.”

Shelby rolls her eyes, reaching down to grab Toni’s hand, “I’m sure I wouldn’t mind all that much.”

Toni bites her lip. For a moment it seems like she’s actually considering kissing Shelby again. Apparently she decides against it though and says, “Come on, let’s get out of here. Marty’s gonna be so psyched to see you.”

On their way back to the Blackburn household, Toni catches Shelby up on everything she missed while she was living in Texas. Toni even tells her about how she’d finally managed to pass her drivers test on the third try, and if it were anyone else but her Shelby might have giggled and teased her about how long it had taken her to get her license. The smug grin on Toni’s face softens her, and Shelby makes sure to tell her how proud she is. 

They stop at a dingy fast food restaurant for dinner, and Toni laughs when Shelby gets a smear of ketchup on her chin and can’t seem to wipe it off. 

Toni brushes it off with a paper napkin, and then their making eye contact so strong Shelby disregards the fact they’re still stopped in a Wendy’s parking lot. 

They make out for a while after that, food long forgotten, until Toni gets a notification on her phone about Martha wondering what’s taking them so long. 

They hold hands for the rest of the drive, blasting a strange mix of country music and R&B, singing the lyrics so passionately that Shelby is sure her voice will be gone by the morning. 

When they stop at a red light, just outside of town, Toni looks over at her, expression more peaceful than Shelby has ever seen it. 

“I’m glad you finally came home.” Toni says softly.

Shelby squeezes Toni’s hand, as if to say, ‘I love you.’

Toni squeezes back, ‘I love you more.’

Shelby smiles, “I’m glad I did too.”


End file.
